Saturday, January 08, 2011

Machos Tacos

Dudes, I received a psychic reading fo' free while I waited to pick up my vegetarian burrito at Machos Tacos yesterday.

I was standing around in their little waiting area - you know, the one right next to the car wash that wanted to unionize and is now "under new management?" Anyway, as I was staring off into space, the lady who had been in front of me in line told me that my aura was very strong. As I hadn't washed my hair in a few days, I didn't quite know how to take this, but being from the Midwest, I smiled at her anyway, as I have been trained to do. Then she said she would give me a psychic reading. And after ascertaining that I had exactly no more dollars and zero cents on me, she agreed to give me a mini-preview for free.

My order hadn't come up yet, so I said why not? She told me a couple nice things, and then hinted that she could help me with "that which is blocking me." As I hadn't eaten the burrito yet, I wasn't quite sure what she meant. But I thought it was very cool of her to lay it out for me, mini-style, and help me pass the time until my food was done.

And PS - do not get the veggie burrito. What was I thinking? Get the carnitas like the sign says.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

St. Ack

It's been two long years since the last Dirt Alert, but I had to bust it out again because one of my favorite people on the planet, Mr. Michael Stack, is having a rather significant birthday. (No need to go into specifics.)

Stack has the rather dubious honor of being my oldest-friend-that-I-still-continuously-hang-out-with. I met him at Berkeley - he was no doubt wearing some sort of checkered tweed pant, a bicycle jersey, and a sweater that weighed over 40 lbs. I don't think I understood a word he said for the first three years.

But he and his household did introduce me to: The fine art of having dinner together every night, people who actually read good books for fun, and the refreshing idea that there was a way to be an adult (sic) that didn't totally suck or bore me to tears. (Sadly, they were never able to teach me to properly wash and dry dishes. Well, more sad for them than me.)

So happy birthday, St. Ack. My wishes for you: a skunk-spraying lock for your bicycle; a signed edition of “Soviet and Russian Cosmonauts 1960-2000;” tons of new sweaters, fo' free; and of course, many many more.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Calling In Gay

Prop 8 is bad and wrong. So a bunch of folks across California and the USA are going to call in gay tomorrow. It's a Day Without A Gay.

And because the gays are nicer and more organized than my mother and General Patton combined, they are asking everyone who calls in gay to volunteer somewhere and donate their time and love to a worthy cause. So there.

A day with no gays...what a sad day that would be.

And if you can't miss work, at least you can watch "Prop 8 - The Musical!" It is so fo' free.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Too Many Santas

The things you see driving down the street in LA. Fo' free.

Photo taken by the lovely Margo Silver.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Craftacular

Dudes, yesterday I was went to meet the Jengtolas at the BUST Magazine Craftacular over at the Echoplex. Craftacular's a hipster craft fair with a lot of great gifts fo' cheep, and since it was held in a club, there's beer. (And it has the best name ever, which doesn't surprise me, since BUST is the best-named magazine ever.)

And lo and behold, while browsing the bakelite jewelry and post-ironic tee shirts, I ran into couple-about-town L&M, who were also perusing the dry goods. What can I say? Things were bought, beers were drunk (a cold Sierra on tap drunk at 4 in the afternoon always makes me feel so festive), and certain parties moved on to The Gold Room to keep the impromptu holiday spirit going. And then on to C+C's, to keep it going even more.

Craftacular.

Monday, November 10, 2008

I Eat At The French Laundry, Fo' Free

My friend Heapie called me Saturday at 9AM. His wife was sick and he and his friends had a reservation for 4 at The French Laundry that night. Did I want to come?

(Reader's Note: I have been trying to eat there for nine years.)

So I said HELL YES and hopped on a plane (thanks mom!) and flew to up SFO and my brother picked me up at the BART station and gave me his car (thanks bro!) and I drove to Napa, changed in the car on a deserted back street, put on my makeup in the bathroom of the Vintage Inn, and rolled into one of the best restaurants in the United States, right on time for our 5:30 reservation.

Duuuuude....it was 9+ courses of bliss. Plus great wine and excellent company on a beautiful crisp hazy golden Northern California autumn night.

Thank you Heapie, from the bottom of my heart. You are the new King of Dirt. (One who has no fear of photographing his food while wearing loud print shirts in formal restaurants, thank god.)

I, however, am the Queen of Spontaneity, which I have often found to be the secret to The Best Life, Fo' Free.

This and Barack Obama in the same week. Damn.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Hope

I know it's a few days after the fact, but I've been really sick. I guess I had to physically expel the last eight years from my system as well as get rid of it electorally.

So here it is. The best of us.

For me, it was the best day of my life. I'm not talking about personal stuff; more like, it was one of those days in a lifetime where you believe that the whole world can be a better place and you literally feel history shift and you know that you were a part of it.

Turns out that hope is what makes us fo' free.

Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States.

I love my country.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Here We Go...

The email thread between me and my friends:

>We'd like to open our house up to anyone who would like to watch the results with friends. P&J

>>Can I make pumpkin risotto at your house during the gathering? I always cook when I'm nervous... Colette

>>>Can I eat Colette's pumpkin risotto at your house? I always eat when I'm nervous. GH

>>>>...and I always clean when I'm nervous so I'll have the dishes covered. GJ

>>>>>And I always drink when I'm nervous, so I'll bring some hooch. CN

>>>>>>Glad to see our collective neuroses synergizing so beautifully. GH

>>>>>>>Fuck, I'll just bring the ativan. CC

>>>>>>>> Well, it looks like all this eating, drinking, and ativan could well leave me crumpled in a dumpster behind TJ's, so I'll be bringing my wife as my spotter. AK

>>>>>>>>>Ok …looks like I'll just bring the valium. BE

>>>>>>>>>>and if worst comes to worst by the end of the night, i'll mix the kool-aid. TJ



Talk to you tomorrow. It'll be a new world one way or another.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Newsflash! Free Krispy Kreme and S'bux and Ben & Jerry's on Election Day!

Yay Krispy Kreme! And fo' free coffee at Starbucks and a fo' free scoop at Ben and Jerry's! Just show your "I Voted" sticker and get free food!* A Dirt Alert classic!

I love this country.

*Actually, law forbids these companies from rewarding anyone for voting, so everyone can get the stuff fo' free. But seriously, damnit, vote.

VOTE! The Dirt Alert Endorsements.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know tomorrow is Election Day. Make sure you vote in what is truly the most important election of our age. This is the one your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews etc. will ask you about. Find your polling place here. And double check your ballots before turning 'em in - you saw what happened to Oprah.

And here's The Dirt Alert endorsements. Steve did all the research; thank god, because I'm too nervous to focus on much of anything.

PRES:
Obama / Biden 2008 !!!

CA STATEWIDE PROPS:
Proposition 1A: YES
Proposition 2: YES
Proposition 3: YES
Proposition 4: NO
Proposition 5: YES
Proposition 6: NO
Proposition 7: NO
Proposition 8: NO
Proposition 9: NO
Proposition 10: NO
Proposition 11: NO
Proposition 12: YES

LOS ANGELES:
Proposition J (LA Community College District): YES
Proposition R (LA County): YES

Los Angeles County Judicial races

Office 72 Hilleri Grossman Merritt
Office 82 Cynthia Loo
Office 84 Lori-Ann C. Jones
Office 94 C. Edward Mack
Office 154 Rocky L. Crabb

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Bjork and Bad Fairies

Hope your Halloween was as good.

Note the Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros in the front row.

And my wings were fo' cheep.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Bake Sale Today!

So yesterday I made some sugar cookies and then me and Xtine and Hil frosted them and today we're selling them and other things down at the Hollywood Farmer's Market at Vine to raise money for the Obama Grassroots Campaign and the No On 8 Campaign. Come on down and buy something. (This means you Australia!) The stuff ain't fo' free, but the czash goes to a good cause.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Giant Mother Spider

So last night I went to the MOCA with Ali G. for a little pre-opening thingy for the new Louise Bourgeois retrospective. Free wine, free snax, free cute Frenchmen in good suits (vive la France!), and oh, yeah, free art.

Ms. Bourgeois is my favorite artist ever, because when I was living in Prague, I once wandered through an exhibition of her work, checking out one of the little "cells" she'd built out of doors when suddenly, instantly, I missed my mother.

This was because, on a little table inside this particular cell, Ms. Bourgeois had arranged a marble arm, a mirror and a dozen Shalimar bottles - my mom's perfume. So beyond her amazing sculptures of giant mother spiders and weird awesome bodies, her exhibit smelled like my mommy.

Go see the show - it opens tomorrow!

Friday, October 24, 2008

I'm Just Saying...


Next Tuesday from 2P-6P, get a Taco Bell taco fo' free, all across America, courtesy of Jason Bartlett of the Tampa Bay Rays.

You don't have to like baseball, but I'm just saying, now you can't say it never did anything for you. Because, as one newspaper put it: "Stolen Base Good News For Taco Lovers."

(Notice they cut it off before the 1 AM after-the-show munchies hit.)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Complaining = Fo' Free!

I will tell you a little secret. Sometimes, when it's one of those nights on the couch, I get a pizza delivered, and I'm not talking about a grilled-fig-prosciutto-carmelized-onions-and-goat-cheese pizza (my greatest culinary achievement EVER). No, I get a Pizza Hut sausage pizza. The pizza of my childhood. A large.

So last night was one of those nights. I ordered my pie online (20% off your first online order, bitssches), and waited in a fever of guilty anticipation. But when the pizza arrived, it sucked, and I mean really sucked. It was dry, old and way too salty, even for me. So after eating only one piece, I called PH and politely told them that although they had delivered perfection every other time, this time I'd gotten a dud.

And guess what? They gave me a $15 credit, so the next time I order a pizza, it's FO' FREE!

Free pizza, the zenith of The Dirt Alert. Really, I think I've just jumped the shark.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Dialing For Democracy

A bunch of my friends got together on Saturday to drink beer, eat snax and call people in Oregon, New Mexico, Ohio and California on behalf of the Obama campaign, fo' free. I was really nervous at first, but then I got into it. (Honestly, the beer did help - does that make me Joe Six Pack?)

All the cliches are true - it felt incredibly empowering to engage in the political process and actually do something (besides protest and get illegally sent to jail - see Coco circa 1991), and I got to talk to some nice people on both sides of the political fence. (A few of my friends got some incredibly mean and racist people - that was a little depressing in this day and age.)

All in all, it was a great experience, and it was cool to think that across the country, other people who cared a bunch were doing the exact same thing. (Except in Ohio, where they were watching the Buckeyes game.)

So make some calls. It's not as scary or as hard as you think.

And check out this video my friend Paul made in Wasilla, Alaska.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Life Rolls On

The lovely G.U.S. invited me to the Life Rolls On benefit the other night, fo' free. His company had a table, I had a cool dress and 4-inch silver heels, and my date, the lovely Tue, had good cufflinks and an all-around amiable attitude. Since it was in Hollywood*, we got our photo taken on the red carpet before rolling in to drink champagne, check out the stuff at the silent auction, and have a lovely dinner with the likes of Kelly Slater, Morgan Spurlock, a guy from Incubus, and other famous and beautiful people.

Life Rolls On is a really great organization that helps people with spinal cord injuries and raises money for scientific research. The presentations and the speakers were extremely heartfelt and very emotional. In a time when it seems like everyone you hear about in the news has mixed or suspect motives, it was inspirational to be around people who are doing so much concrete good.

*If I haven't mentioned it lately, I love living in LA.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

High Priced Sugar

Yesterday I was in a foul mood. Don’t ask unless you want the whole damned litany and you have an hour and a half. So, to give my bad mood the proverbial fuck-you, I bought myself a big fluffy sugary coco cupcake at the Alcove and I scarfed it down whole. And since we’re close to Halloween (or the Apocalypse) it had a skull and crossbones on it. Perfect.

High priced sugar. A good way to flip off what ails you, fo’ cheep.

The day got better.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Taking Stock

(A Two Part Series)

As we all know, I’m way ahead of the global financial meltdown because for my whole life I have been firmly committed to the cheep and fo’ free. And through the Dirt Alert, so have you.

These days the tips offered in the Alert may not be so much a lighthearted lark or a way to stick it to the Financial Man as they are a practical necessity. And I say fine. Let’s rock this shit out.

The first thing to do is hearken back to the lesson of our grandparents during the Depression. And that was: Don’t waste a goddamn thing. (These days, this mantra also gets you bonus points in Eco-Heaven.)

What the hell is my point? Here it is: (Read the next post now.)

Last Night I Made Stock From The Bones of The Pig on The Spit

I like to call this creature The Pig That Keeps on Giving. I made pulled pork sandwiches from the leftovers the day after we roasted it, and when I pulled said pork off the bones I froze them and later made a yummy stock, fo’ free. And from that stock I made the Best Split Pea Soup Ever.

I save the bones whenever I cook. I shove ‘em in the freezer along with vegetable tops and herbs and all the stuff from the fridge that is just about to go soft. I've made chicken stock, veggie stock, mushroom stock, beet stock and turkey stock, and my dad has made stock from crab shells. It’s super easy – just put the frozen bones and veggies in water and boil, then turn down the stove and simmer for as long as you’re home. Making your own stock means won’t have to buy it in cardboard containers from Trader Joe’s, and it makes you look all gourmet and not just like a cheapass.

So think about it before you throw your food away: Can you freeze it and make stock out of it instead? Because these days, anyone who can make stock instead of making it disappear looks like a goddamned genius.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Wattstowers

I spent yesterday eating BBQ at the Watts Jazz Festival right next to the historic Watts Towers.

What the h-e-double sticks are the Watts Towers, you ask? Well, they are these freaky towers made out of scrap rebar and other materials such as seashells and Canada Dry bottles, and they sit right in the middle of Watts. They were built by this badass eccentric named Simon Rodia, who worked on them all by himself, and did other things like bury his car when the police came looking for it.

In the usual fashion, a careless and indifferent city was about to raze the towers when two smart dudes came along and realized that they were looking at a completely unique piece of LA history. So they fought the man and won, and now a whole new group of artists and neighbors are rallying to revitalize the area around them.

But enough history - the jazz fest was super mellow. The hats were good, the ribs were fantastic, and the music was even better. And except for the ribs it was fo' free. So get thee out of your usual fifteen-mile radius and go check out something new in this fantastic city of ours.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Rick + Jose FINALLY!

So the real reason I was in SF was to witness the wedding - yes, wedding, not commitment ceremony or domestic partnership registration - of the lovely Rick and Jose. It took place in the beautiful SF City Hall rotunda at the top of the stairs; I wept like I always do because I'm a big fat sap, and then we partied in Sausalito with paella and pie that night and chez Robert and Andy the next day.

And all I can say is FINALLY! Rick and Jose hold a special place in my heart because they had their first real date at my 30th bday party. I have to say, it was a gift unto itself to see Rick at my party waiting for Jose to walk in, looking so nervous and fumbling with his drink and generally dropping things. I got mileage outta that one for years.

Furthermore, Rick and Jose's wedding had the distinction of featuring the first-ever inclusion of a BlackBerry in the ceremony (that I've ever seen). The Supe marrying them read a poem off it. Knowing the number of times that Rick and I have cracked up at various weddings over things just such as this, I thought it very fitting that there I was at his, laughing and secretly rehearsing my sarcastic comments to lay on him later.

And finally: FINALLY! At least one city in the USA has stepped up and done the right thing with all this mess. Because love is love is love is love and then there's legislation.

Congrats Jose and Rick!

Monday, September 22, 2008

I Was in the Third Row at the Nick Cave Show

And yep, he was singing right to me.

Yes, it was my second show in 4 days.

That'll do for another few years.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Nick Cave, Spiritualized.

It's been an amazingly spiritualized time - I got to roast a pig on a spit and see Nick Cave, all in the same week.

You think I'm speaking metaphorically, but you didn't see the moon rise behind a giant neon cross on a hill above the Hollywood Bowl. And you didn't hear Nick sing "The Ship Song."

That, my friends, is the True Religion of Coco.

(I'm going again in San Francisco.)

Last Weekend I Roasted A Pig On A Spit




No words. I have none. It was a religious experience.

Let me just say this: When you know the exact animal that gives you your food, it changes everything.














*Photos courtesy of Gracie J.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Spontaneous Partying


Leave it to HT:C-K to throw the perfect spontaneous end-of-summer party this past weekend in their amazing pad with its beautiful fairy garden. I'm talking warm air, sparkly lights, red wine, flowers in the fountain, smoked salmon, good fashion, better tequila, roaming sweet-faced dogs, and a man in a white linen suit presiding over the grill. Cause being spontaneous is fo' free.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Bodyworlds

Imagine you donate your body to science and the guy says, "Great, here's my vision. We'll have you balancing in the splits on two balls, with one hand on a third ball and your other hand holding your internal organs aloft. Oh yeah, and we'll have your back flayed open."

That, my friends, was exactly what I saw on Sunday night at the California Science Center's "Bodyworlds 3" exhibit. It is the most amazing scientific exhibit I have ever seen. They plastinate a bunch of bodies that have been donated to science (with the donor's full understanding and consent of how they will be used), and then carefully arrange them so that we live ones can see all the amazing structures of the human body. It is incredible, especially for a freak like me who likes to take everything apart and see how it works. Besides the many, many humans in various poses (lots of acrobatic ones, so you can see how muscles work), there's also a plastinated GIRAFFE. And the blood vessel system of a lamb that looks like some spooky piece of art. I left with a new appreciation of how amazing the body is, and frankly, a new appreciation of all life.

This one's over, but I see that there's a "Bodyworlds 4" already traveling through Europe. Do not miss it. It may not be cheep, but when will you ever get a chance to see something like this again?

Monday, September 08, 2008

A.D.D.G.

So Saturday night was Ali G's grand opening of her show A.D.D.G. (aux dehors de guillemets) - look it up, suckas - at the lovely Honor Fraser Gallery, and I have to tell you, it was dope.

First of all, the artwork was amazing; I really have to go down and take a look at it again because there were so many well-wishers and art hipsters and nice people there that I didn't get nearly enough.

Second of all, the women's dresses. I knew my friends looked good, but not that good. There was something about the night that really brought out the best in everybody.

Third of all, the dinner afterward, which can only be described as one part triumph, one part art-family and one part Puccini. Just the way I like it.

So get your asses on down the Honor Fraser and check it. Cause it is, of course, fo' free.

Photo courtesy of Tulita Jeng, whose hair was looking fabulous that night.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Staycation

Big shout-outs to my little bro E-Rock, who's working the two-week Staycation up in SF with his GF. Instead of pouring money down the gas-tubes, they're staying in town with a full schedule of All The Shit You Always Say You're Gonna Do But Never Get Off Your Ass For.

What can I say? Dirt runs deep in the family.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Speechless

Dudes, I am speechless after yesterday. First of all, it was my mom's birthday and SJ Lapponka finished her film, which usually would be more than enough dirt. But on top of that, I spent all day glued to the television, watching history being made at the DNC.

An African-American has been nominated for President. I can't believe it. I've been tearing up all week; I've never been prouder.

As I watched everything go down in Mile High Stadium, I kept thinking about what the Founding Fathers would say if they could have seen it. Dig it: Participation back in the day was a bunch of white dudes in wigs who rode in on horseback. Today, it's a football stadium with live music and a guy named Barack Obama talking. Could any of them ever have imagined it?

I think they, too, would have been speechless.



Surrounded by Celebrity

The Real Janelle and I were writing at the Alcove today, and when we went to sit down, it turns out that Bill Paxton was at the table right behind me. (Didn't know who he was; he didn't move out of the way so I could sit down.)

A few minutes later, TRJ signalled (by yelling over her iPod) that Mark Ruffalo was across the garden. (Really fucking cute - checked him out way before I knew who he was.) And, the week before, I was leaving the Alcove and I passed Adrian Grenier in the crosswalk. (So good-looking I got completely flustered and fake-checked my phone.)

That's what it's like, living in LA; I just can't shake the celebrities. Man, I wish they'd stop following me. But they seem to spot me all the time, where they can just gaze upon me, fo' free.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Twentyseven Palms, CA

Viva 27 Palms! (That's Twentnine Palms, with 1 palm deducted for the beyond-Monty-Python Italian restaurant and 1 for the mouse in the middle of the night.)

Yes, me and Ali G crept outta town this weekend, and I relaxed so much I felt like I was in an alternate universe. I could barely raise my head off the lounge to take this picture.

And it's cheep right now, especially in the middle of the week. I wanna go back...

Friday, August 22, 2008

Come On Eileen

So yesterday was the lovely Eileen's bday (and my friend Justin's - shout out to Chicago), so we celebrated 80s style, outside and downtown, and I mean dance party. Dudes, you have never seen so many side-ponies in your life, and a special mention goes out to the chick who wore only a leotard. I did jello shots fo' free, watched Eileen dance to "Come On Eileen," and of course got my picture taken with my Asian sisters. This picture is frightening.

Happy Birthday Eileen!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Ride. Share.

Dudes, me and G-Reg + The Real Janelle got a good system worked out, fo' free. We all agreed that we'd call whenever we needed a ride to or from the airport and if we possibly could we'd take each other, so that we could all save on the bullshit cab/parking/shared-ride fees and the horrible attendant dramas and delays.

It's worked pretty well so far (except for when TRJ had to circle LAX fo' 45 minutes while I waited in vain to clear customs from Australia), and you get to decline if it's ridiculously early in the morning or tres late at night.

So this AM I gave them a ride to BUR, which means: A nice little catch-up, and money in the ride-bank when I need to go to SF or Arkansas or wherever in September. Word. Find a friend who lives near you and hook it up.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Fortune of Tula and Steve

The good fortune of meeting each other. Of having their friends and family join them at the beautiful Veranda Bar in the Hotel Figueroa to celebrate their engagement. And the lovely little fortune cookies, crafted fo' cheep, so that all their loved ones could write personalized fortunes for their life together.

Fortunate, indeed.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I Know What You're Doing Tonight, Peeps





Watching Project Runway, of course. If you don't get Bravo, go over to a friend's house and watch it fo' free. (And guys, you don't have to lie anymore and say your girlfriend makes you watch it.)

And thanks to my new neighbor Krist-O for the best homage I've ever seen.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Free Concert, Scientology-Style


Once a year the Scientology Celebrity Centre puts on a big concert in their front yard, which is right across the street from my house. They have great singers and a huge sound system, so I just throw open the windows and take in the music, fo' free.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. When it comes to concerts, anyway.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Silver Lake Supper Club



So Saturday I spent all day chopping every known vegetable on the planet. Why, you ask? Because I was hanging out sous-chef style with my girl Carrie. Because I got to attend her amazing Silver Lake Supper Club that night fo' free. And because I love to cook and Carrie is the best chef I know, so I figured I could learn while I chopped and I chomped.

My girl's Silver Lake Supper Club brings together perfect strangers in secret locations to eat an amazing gourmet Slow Food meal, every other month. There's a wait list, dudes, and it is long. (Unless you chop all day, and then you zoom right to the front.)

This time, the secret location was this pretty Schindler house with a gorgeous view and a really nice host, the menu was vegetarian, and I got to feel like I kinda saved the day when I McGyvered tea bags out of coffee filters and toothpicks. Very satisfying.

I will leave you with the menu. I myself left with half a coconut cake.

Wild mushroom crostini
...
Artichoke soup with purple basil pesto
...
Heirloom watermelon, black olive and feta salad
Corn and cabbage slaw with orange vinaigrette
...
Braised leeks with lemon, thyme and mustard seed
Roasted green and yellow baby zucchini with heirloom tomato and ricotta filling
...
Coconut cake with mint cream
Fresh white peaches
Organic tea

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Bacon Alarm Clock

I received this from the Jacobs half of Jacobs and Diaz, Attorneys At Law. He wrote simply:

"Because you should know about these things."


See, things aren't all bad.

Bruised.

Dudes, I can barely walk, and this one's not even the bad leg. The other one's the one with the twisted knee. Ladies and gentleman, I am a gimp.

Don't get me wrong - I've rocked it down to San Diego (where I DIDN'T get to surf and DID get a bad sunburn), I've been for cocktails with Tutu, I spent last night at the Hollywood Bowl listening to the crickets outperform the Symphony during a Beethoven sonata, and tonight I'm introducing Ali G. to her new cactus family - but somehow these stupid bad things keep happening. Earthquakes*, injuries, sunburns - and on top of it all, I can't even train for the half-marathon that I've worked hard to get ready for.

What the hell is going on? Am I the only one who's feeling like something has to give before the whole damn world explodes?

*I also learned that the whole earthquake advisory thing I posted was a bunch of crap that's been debunked all over the place. See, even the disaster planning is going wrong...

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Quake City Survival

Everyone who doesn't live in a quake zone - humor me. This sh*t is important, and it's fo' free. Thanks, Nattaknight. Now I'm off to buy me a fold-up ladder for my third-floor brick & concrete pad.

Excerpt From 'Triangle of Life', by Doug Copp.

My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake.

I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries.

I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.

The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones.

They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn't at the time know that the children were told to hide under something.

Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or
furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the 'triangle of life'. The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the
object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the 'triangles' you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.

Tips for Earthquake Safety

1) Most everyone who simply 'ducks and covers' WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.

2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compresss lightly but leave a void next to it.

3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is
flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.

4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe
void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting asign on the back of the door of every room telling occupants to liedown on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.

5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.

6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!

7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different 'moment of frequency' (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.

8) Get near the outer walls of buildings or outside of them if possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the
outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.

9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.

10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.

Spread the word and save someone's life... The entire world is experiencing natural calamities so be prepared!

In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul, University of Istanbul Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and ten mannequins I used in my 'triangle of life' survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results. The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable, scientific conditions , relevant to building collapse, showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover.

There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the 'triangle of life.' This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe, and it was seen in the USA, Canada and Latin America on the TV program 'Real TV'.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Sh*t, We Just Had A Major Earthquake

I am OK - I was working in a cafe and at first I thought the dude behind me was kicking my chair. Then I realized he was nowhere near close enough. Then the ground started rolling and outside all the stop signs started waving and the telephone poles and cafe umbrellas did too and I knew it was an earthquake. I jumped up with about a dozen other people and went outside while the rest of the fools sat there next to the big plate glass windows and steaming espresso machines. I grabbed my phone in case I couldn't come back - little good that did me; the lines were and are still blocked. It was still swaying a bit outside and then it stopped.

Then we found out it was 5.8 and based in Pomona. The USGS is calling it a moderate quake. Fuck that - there was nothing moderate about it.

SHIT! I'm still shaky.

The one thing that is not so great about LA. But still fo' free.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Cocopalooza '08

Well, we all got home from LOP in one piece after turning into a bunch of tequila-drinking six-year-olds for the birthday weekend bash. That's right, peeps, it was Year #2, and just like last time, we slept out under the stars, swam ourselves silly, hung out on Worm Island, and had the boat break down at the crucial moment during the Poontang Booze Cruise. Thanks to everyone who came - I love you more than bacon.

And, for those of you who weren't able to make it (and in the spirit of full disclosure that I wasn't always as fly as I am now - sometimes it takes a while to grow into it), here's a gift for you: The high school graduation photo that my parents proudly display on the wall by the stairs.