What I Am For Halloween

I'M IN AUSTRALIA, BITSSSHES!

And guess what? They don't have Halloween here. And it was yesterday. Or it would have been, if they had it. They're starting to a little bit - all the talk radio shows were going on and on about how this American holiday was sneaking in and how it had nothing to do with Aussie culture. Cultural hegemony at it's finest and sneakiest, my friends, in the guise of candy and costumes. And once I explained to my friend that all American girls seem to dress up as some kind of slut (Slutty Nurse, Slutty Kitty, Slutty Zombie), the holiday was embraced with both alacrity and enthusiasm.

Anyway, here's the view. And keep in mind that this is a lame picture of the view. Doesn't even begin to convey...

Guest Dirt: An Evening With Johnny Knoxville

Guest Dirt from Down Under, courtesy of the lovely Jen:

"OK, Geoff and I are shooting Johnny Knoxville for MTV. We go to movie launch and then VIP area at after party where these amazing women start pouring in. Geoff goes "Well, don't you look lovely in your dresses..." One goes "Yeah, but we're better nude!" Geoff says "Well, I'm sure you are but I think you look lovely in what you are wearing." Woman goes, "Yeah but we're better nude - it's what we do." (Her lines were all delivered absolutely dead pan). Turns out they were all nude models - one was Miss Nude Something-Or-Other. It was the conversation of the night."

See? I'm not the only one with the best life.

That Johnny's Trouble

Vote or Die Bitsshes!

There's one thing you have to do when you're broke and you have the best life. Or when you're loaded and you have the best life. You gotta vote. And that's right - IT'S FREE. So you know we like it even more.

If you're not sure how to vote, just look at my card and copy it. If you're not sure you're going to vote, see the The Nation cover and find out what'll happen to us/you if you don't.

I'm voting early and absentee, but you on-time folks get to vote in two Teusdays, Nov 7. So study up! If you're like me and you can't find any info about the Cali judicial candidates - I called the Democratic Party of the San Fernando Valley. They told me they're saying yes on Kennard and no on Corrigan for the Supreme Court, they aren't opposing anyone on the Court of Appeals, and they're going for Henry, Gutierrez and Barquist on the Superior Court. So vote bitsshes!

"The Dems o' SFV"

Escape du Soleil du Phatness

Thank god I got well enough just in time to attend the DKSFx5 Anniversary Fest in Palm Springs this weekend. My lord...this one is going to take multiple postings, as soon as all the photos come in. The main photogs are just making their way home today, so stand by.

But first, I give you Escape du Soleil, the site of all the shenanigans. Just to give you an idea of the rad-ness that occured. And you can't even see the flaming lava pit.

Escape du Soleil du Phatness

The Party Comes To Me!

Duuude, the greatest thing in the world are friends. Especially cool friends who bring you big ole bags of schwag from Fashion Week. Since I couldn't go to the Justin Timberlake fashion show, The Indomitable Khanh stopped by my House of Sickness on her way to work and dropped off a big bag o stuff for me. And I'm not talking crappy stuff: I got Lip Venom, a Le Sportsac makeup bag, Smashbox powder, a Frankie B. wrist cuff, a Rock and Republic tank top, and best of all, a No-Tel Motel Hollywood key chain. That's right, suckas, when you're good like me, the dirt comes to you. Thank you, Khanh!

Khanh's Blog Where She Breaks It All Down

The Champ

My only male friend who likes baseball just texted me: 'Just remembered had a dream last night that featured you and David Ortiz. You were the female home run champ.' That's right, suckas. Even sickly, I'm still the Champ.

Topless Scots in Kilts

Straight from the fashion front lines:

'Go Tigers! Fashion Week parties can be fun but they are also tiring. Tonight's featured a lot of topless hunky Scots wearing kilts in a fashion show sponsored by Johnny Walker. On second thought, you would have loved it. But I caused a mini scene when I called out these two women who were impersonating people from my newspaper and helped force their ejection from the front row to the third. Yes, that one scene from "Heathers" was playing in my head. "Heather, why are you such a bitch?" "Because I can be."'

Khanh's
fashion dirt from the first four days of fashion week

Dirt That I (And Therefore You) Are Missing

- My weekend trip to Palm Springs to hang out with Eileen in her rented house
- Jeanette's birthday fiesta
- Jerry Lee Lewis, AKA "The Killer", at a free Virgin in-store. FUCK!
- Fashion Week parties with the indomitable Khanh
- 'Marie Antoinette' and Sephora with the girls
- 'The Queen' screening tomorrow
- Morning hikes with Greg and dogs
- Cocktail hour, every night. FUCK!

At least thank god for baseball. It's the only sport where you can take a 2-1/2 hour nap in the middle of the game and still watch the Tigers advance to the World Series. Bleah.

Fallen Fruit

I got no dirt. I'm sick, miserable, and not doing anything. But there's this great site that tells you where to score free fruit off the trees of LA. I like it. Go get it while I still can't.

http://www.fallenfruit.org

Grow Your Own Herb

There's this really cool guy at the Hollywood Farmers' Market who sells little pots of herb seedlings for $1 each. You can load up on basil, dill, chives, oregano, thyme, lavender and sage for like, $7, then take 'em home and start your own little herb garden. Mind you, $1 is a lot less than those silly little plastic containers of fresh herbs in the grocery store go for, and this stuff lasts and lasts. So next Sunday, tie a cute little wrap around one of your vintage slips (cause it's Fall now) and get yo'self down to the Farmers' Market. Stock up on your favorite herbs, take 'em home, put 'em in dirt (inside or out), and water 'em with your cute little orange watering can like the urban hipster gardener you are.

http://www.farmernet.com/events/one-cfm?venue_id=587

Sick Day #475. And Tigers.

At least it feels like Day #475. I'm stuffy, I'm crabby, and I'm completely freakin' bored. But there is one silver lining, and it's a good one: The Detroit Tigers completely kicked the Yankees' asses yesterday, 6-0, in Tigers Stadium, to take a 2-game lead in the post-season series. I know this means absolutely nothing to most of you, but it's like Davey stompin' Goliath. Trust me.

And look - sports is the one place where men can hug. Unless you're Dav.

Back to the couch.

http://www.canada.com/topics/sports/story.html?id=f71763c2-66ab-4497-b0cf-6a79a3ba91de&k=83698

Good Advice, Dirt Alert Style

Dear Coco,

I'm an avid reader of the Dirt Alert, and I want to ask you for some advice. I rented a movie yesterday called "Friends with Money" -- it kind of reminded me of your scene in LA. There's a character called Olivia, played by Jennifer Aniston who doesn't have any money, isn't married (got dumped by a married man), and is working as a maid. All her friends are rich and married (though not happily, I'll give you that). So, in this one scene, Jennifer aka Olivia is rubbing her face with what the French call "echantillons" ie free tubes of really expensive face cream in her bathroom. And that's when I see it. The shower curtain. That's my shower curtain, in my bathroom. The one I got at Ikea for under $10. And I am poor and single. Like Olivia. But not working as a maid... yet. Should I lose the shower curtain? What's a poor working girl to do?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Who the hell gives a rat's scrumpy ass how much your shower curtain costs? You should be out there spending your money on world travel, thrift stores, good bacon, cute panties and nights out drinking with your amazing friends. Now that's money well spent. Also, I know a guy with a very expensive shower curtain and a bathroom straight out of the Waterworks catalog, and I can guarantee you he's a miserable fuck who probably sits around staring at said shower curtain wishing he had your life. So I say, just keep doing what you're doing. The shower curtain is not a metaphor.

And PS: As you well know, anyone can get married. You could probably be married right this second if you wanted to. I'm all for happy marriages, but I'm completely against getting married cause other people are. So get out there and get laid, like all your married friends wish they could.

PPS: And check out the $6000 shower curtain that that Tyco CEO got. See what happens when you spend too much on stupid shit? http://www.sptimes.com/2002/08/09/Columns/Of_greed_and_6_000_sh.shtml

Sick. Ruffled Pineapple Panties.

Dudes, I am sick sick sick and feeling crabby, so in lieu of any new news, I give you these really cute ruffled pineapple panties. I got them about a month ago, and I love them, and I figured you'd all rather look at them than listen to me whine. So enjoy. And remember ladies, $26 panties are not cheap, but sometimes you get more mileage out of a really expensive pair of drawers than those $3 cottontails that you've had since 1989.

http://www.honeydewintimates.com/BoyShorts/007-3.html

Too Tired to Be Good

Duude, I am so tired from flying up and down the coast interviewing nerds (AKA: my people) for this new show AND the past month of work and mayhem that all I can do is lie on the couch and watch baseball. I can't exercise, I can't get shit done, and I ate five pieces of bacon and three homemade chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. (Bars. Midwest-styley. AKA the lazy man's method.) And now I'm drinking a beer.

Even I am starting to gross myself out a little bit. But I can't help it. I'm too tired to be good.

http://cookie.allrecipes.com/az/OrgnlNstlTllHsChcltChpPnCk.asp

Blogging From Space

I've seen this more times than I can remember in the past few days...

http://www.encounterlax.com/

Where's Coco?

Here's some clues. I am:

1. Eating sausage dip, made with sausage, cream cheese, and pimientos.
2. Driving a golf cart over to the neighbor's.
3. Eating braunschweiger & cheese sandwiches on white bread with mayo.
4. Watching baseball on the bigscreen. (Detroit's still in it.)
5. Eating Cornish game hens with wild rice and broccoli in cream sauce.
6. Working with my feet in the lake.
7. Eating cold shrimp gazpacho.

That's right, baby. LOP, getting spoiled by the parents. It's one of my favorite places in the world. And so gastronomically interesting.

http://www.mylop.org/outside_frame.asp