The Dirt Alert

Machos Tacos

2011-01-08T10:20:00.001-08:00

Dudes, I received a psychic reading fo' free while I waited to pick up my vegetarian burrito at Machos Tacos yesterday.

I was standing around in their little waiting area - you know, the one right next to the car wash that wanted to unionize and is now "under new management?" Anyway, as I was staring off into space, the lady who had been in front of me in line told me that my aura was very strong. As I hadn't washed my hair in a few days, I didn't quite know how to take this, but being from the Midwest, I smiled at her anyway, as I have been trained to do. Then she said she would give me a psychic reading. And after ascertaining that I had exactly no more dollars and zero cents on me, she agreed to give me a mini-preview for free.

My order hadn't come up yet, so I said why not? She told me a couple nice things, and then hinted that she could help me with "that which is blocking me." As I hadn't eaten the burrito yet, I wasn't quite sure what she meant. But I thought it was very cool of her to lay it out for me, mini-style, and help me pass the time until my food was done.

And PS - do not get the veggie burrito. What was I thinking? Get the carnitas like the sign says.

St. Ack

2010-12-19T09:37:00.000-08:00

It's been two long years since the last Dirt Alert, but I had to bust it out again because one of my favorite people on the planet, Mr. Michael Stack, is having a rather significant birthday. (No need to go into specifics.)

Stack has the rather dubious honor of being my oldest-friend-that-I-still-continuously-hang-out-with. I met him at Berkeley - he was no doubt wearing some sort of checkered tweed pant, a bicycle jersey, and a sweater that weighed over 40 lbs. I don't think I understood a word he said for the first three years.

But he and his household did introduce me to: The fine art of having dinner together every night, people who actually read good books for fun, and the refreshing idea that there was a way to be an adult (sic) that didn't totally suck or bore me to tears. (Sadly, they were never able to teach me to properly wash and dry dishes. Well, more sad for them than me.)

So happy birthday, St. Ack. My wishes for you: a skunk-spraying lock for your bicycle; a signed edition of “Soviet and Russian Cosmonauts 1960-2000;” tons of new sweaters, fo' free; and of course, many many more.

Calling In Gay

2008-12-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

Prop 8 is bad and wrong. So a bunch of folks across California and the USA are going to call in gay tomorrow. It's a Day Without A Gay.

And because the gays are nicer and more organized than my mother and General Patton combined, they are asking everyone who calls in gay to volunteer somewhere and donate their time and love to a worthy cause. So there.

A day with no gays...what a sad day that would be.

And if you can't miss work, at least you can watch "Prop 8 - The Musical!" It is so fo' free.

Too Many Santas

2008-12-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

The things you see driving down the street in LA. Fo' free.

Photo taken by the lovely Margo Silver.

Craftacular

2008-12-07T07:55:00.000-08:00

Dudes, yesterday I was went to meet the Jengtolas at the BUST Magazine Craftacular over at the Echoplex. Craftacular's a hipster craft fair with a lot of great gifts fo' cheep, and since it was held in a club, there's beer. (And it has the best name ever, which doesn't surprise me, since BUST is the best-named magazine ever.)

And lo and behold, while browsing the bakelite jewelry and post-ironic tee shirts, I ran into couple-about-town L&M, who were also perusing the dry goods. What can I say? Things were bought, beers were drunk (a cold Sierra on tap drunk at 4 in the afternoon always makes me feel so festive), and certain parties moved on to The Gold Room to keep the impromptu holiday spirit going. And then on to C+C's, to keep it going even more.

Craftacular.

I Eat At The French Laundry, Fo' Free

2008-11-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

My friend Heapie called me Saturday at 9AM. His wife was sick and he and his friends had a reservation for 4 at The French Laundry that night. Did I want to come?

(Reader's Note: I have been trying to eat there for nine years.)

So I said HELL YES and hopped on a plane (thanks mom!) and flew to up SFO and my brother picked me up at the BART station and gave me his car (thanks bro!) and I drove to Napa, changed in the car on a deserted back street, put on my makeup in the bathroom of the Vintage Inn, and rolled into one of the best restaurants in the United States, right on time for our 5:30 reservation.

Duuuuude....it was 9+ courses of bliss. Plus great wine and excellent company on a beautiful crisp hazy golden Northern California autumn night.

Thank you Heapie, from the bottom of my heart. You are the new King of Dirt. (One who has no fear of photographing his food while wearing loud print shirts in formal restaurants, thank god.)

I, however, am the Queen of Spontaneity, which I have often found to be the secret to The Best Life, Fo' Free.

This and Barack Obama in the same week. Damn.

Hope

2008-11-07T14:12:00.000-08:00

I know it's a few days after the fact, but I've been really sick. I guess I had to physically expel the last eight years from my system as well as get rid of it electorally.

So here it is. The best of us.

For me, it was the best day of my life. I'm not talking about personal stuff; more like, it was one of those days in a lifetime where you believe that the whole world can be a better place and you literally feel history shift and you know that you were a part of it.

Turns out that hope is what makes us fo' free.

Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States.

I love my country.

Here We Go...

2008-11-04T04:00:00.000-08:00

The email thread between me and my friends:

>We'd like to open our house up to anyone who would like to watch the results with friends. P&J

>>Can I make pumpkin risotto at your house during the gathering? I always cook when I'm nervous... Colette

>>>Can I eat Colette's pumpkin risotto at your house? I always eat when I'm nervous. GH

>>>>...and I always clean when I'm nervous so I'll have the dishes covered. GJ

>>>>>And I always drink when I'm nervous, so I'll bring some hooch. CN

>>>>>>Glad to see our collective neuroses synergizing so beautifully. GH

>>>>>>>Fuck, I'll just bring the ativan. CC

>>>>>>>> Well, it looks like all this eating, drinking, and ativan could well leave me crumpled in a dumpster behind TJ's, so I'll be bringing my wife as my spotter. AK

>>>>>>>>>Ok …looks like I'll just bring the valium. BE

>>>>>>>>>>and if worst comes to worst by the end of the night, i'll mix the kool-aid. TJ

Talk to you tomorrow. It'll be a new world one way or another.

Newsflash! Free Krispy Kreme and S'bux and Ben & Jerry's on Election Day!

2008-11-03T18:21:00.001-08:00

Yay Krispy Kreme! And fo' free coffee at Starbucks and a fo' free scoop at Ben and Jerry's! Just show your "I Voted" sticker and get free food!* A Dirt Alert classic!

I love this country.

*Actually, law forbids these companies from rewarding anyone for voting, so everyone can get the stuff fo' free. But seriously, damnit, vote.

VOTE! The Dirt Alert Endorsements.

2008-11-03T15:12:00.000-08:00

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know tomorrow is Election Day. Make sure you vote in what is truly the most important election of our age. This is the one your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews etc. will ask you about. Find your polling place here. And double check your ballots before turning 'em in - you saw what happened to Oprah.

And here's The Dirt Alert endorsements. Steve did all the research; thank god, because I'm too nervous to focus on much of anything.

PRES:
Obama / Biden 2008 !!!

CA STATEWIDE PROPS:
Proposition 1A: YES
Proposition 2: YES
Proposition 3: YES
Proposition 4: NO
Proposition 5: YES
Proposition 6: NO
Proposition 7: NO
Proposition 8: NO
Proposition 9: NO
Proposition 10: NO
Proposition 11: NO
Proposition 12: YES

LOS ANGELES:
Proposition J (LA Community College District): YES
Proposition R (LA County): YES

Los Angeles County Judicial races

Office 72 Hilleri Grossman Merritt
Office 82 Cynthia Loo
Office 84 Lori-Ann C. Jones
Office 94 C. Edward Mack
Office 154 Rocky L. Crabb

Bjork and Bad Fairies

2008-11-01T17:41:00.000-07:00

Hope your Halloween was as good.

Note the Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros in the front row.

And my wings were fo' cheep.

Bake Sale Today!

2008-10-26T05:37:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I made some sugar cookies and then me and Xtine and Hil frosted them and today we're selling them and other things down at the Hollywood Farmer's Market at Vine to raise money for the Obama Grassroots Campaign and the No On 8 Campaign. Come on down and buy something. (This means you Australia!) The stuff ain't fo' free, but the czash goes to a good cause.

Giant Mother Spider

2008-10-25T17:22:00.000-07:00

So last night I went to the MOCA with Ali G. for a little pre-opening thingy for the new Louise Bourgeois retrospective. Free wine, free snax, free cute Frenchmen in good suits (vive la France!), and oh, yeah, free art.

Ms. Bourgeois is my favorite artist ever, because when I was living in Prague, I once wandered through an exhibition of her work, checking out one of the little "cells" she'd built out of doors when suddenly, instantly, I missed my mother.

This was because, on a little table inside this particular cell, Ms. Bourgeois had arranged a marble arm, a mirror and a dozen Shalimar bottles - my mom's perfume. So beyond her amazing sculptures of giant mother spiders and weird awesome bodies, her exhibit smelled like my mommy.

Go see the show - it opens tomorrow!

I'm Just Saying...

2008-10-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

Next Tuesday from 2P-6P, get a Taco Bell taco fo' free, all across America, courtesy of Jason Bartlett of the Tampa Bay Rays.

You don't have to like baseball, but I'm just saying, now you can't say it never did anything for you. Because, as one newspaper put it: "Stolen Base Good News For Taco Lovers."

(Notice they cut it off before the 1 AM after-the-show munchies hit.)

Complaining = Fo' Free!

2008-10-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

I will tell you a little secret. Sometimes, when it's one of those nights on the couch, I get a pizza delivered, and I'm not talking about a grilled-fig-prosciutto-carmelized-onions-and-goat-cheese pizza (my greatest culinary achievement EVER). No, I get a Pizza Hut sausage pizza. The pizza of my childhood. A large.

So last night was one of those nights. I ordered my pie online (20% off your first online order, bitssches), and waited in a fever of guilty anticipation. But when the pizza arrived, it sucked, and I mean really sucked. It was dry, old and way too salty, even for me. So after eating only one piece, I called PH and politely told them that although they had delivered perfection every other time, this time I'd gotten a dud.

And guess what? They gave me a $15 credit, so the next time I order a pizza, it's FO' FREE!

Free pizza, the zenith of The Dirt Alert. Really, I think I've just jumped the shark.

Dialing For Democracy

2008-10-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

A bunch of my friends got together on Saturday to drink beer, eat snax and call people in Oregon, New Mexico, Ohio and California on behalf of the Obama campaign, fo' free. I was really nervous at first, but then I got into it. (Honestly, the beer did help - does that make me Joe Six Pack?)

All the cliches are true - it felt incredibly empowering to engage in the political process and actually do something (besides protest and get illegally sent to jail - see Coco circa 1991), and I got to talk to some nice people on both sides of the political fence. (A few of my friends got some incredibly mean and racist people - that was a little depressing in this day and age.)

All in all, it was a great experience, and it was cool to think that across the country, other people who cared a bunch were doing the exact same thing. (Except in Ohio, where they were watching the Buckeyes game.)

So make some calls. It's not as scary or as hard as you think.

And check out this video my friend Paul made in Wasilla, Alaska.

Life Rolls On

2008-10-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

The lovely G.U.S. invited me to the Life Rolls On benefit the other night, fo' free. His company had a table, I had a cool dress and 4-inch silver heels, and my date, the lovely Tue, had good cufflinks and an all-around amiable attitude. Since it was in Hollywood*, we got our photo taken on the red carpet before rolling in to drink champagne, check out the stuff at the silent auction, and have a lovely dinner with the likes of Kelly Slater, Morgan Spurlock, a guy from Incubus, and other famous and beautiful people.

Life Rolls On is a really great organization that helps people with spinal cord injuries and raises money for scientific research. The presentations and the speakers were extremely heartfelt and very emotional. In a time when it seems like everyone you hear about in the news has mixed or suspect motives, it was inspirational to be around people who are doing so much concrete good.

*If I haven't mentioned it lately, I love living in LA.

High Priced Sugar

2008-10-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was in a foul mood. Don’t ask unless you want the whole damned litany and you have an hour and a half. So, to give my bad mood the proverbial fuck-you, I bought myself a big fluffy sugary coco cupcake at the Alcove and I scarfed it down whole. And since we’re close to Halloween (or the Apocalypse) it had a skull and crossbones on it. Perfect.

High priced sugar. A good way to flip off what ails you, fo’ cheep.

The day got better.

Taking Stock

2008-10-08T07:59:00.002-07:00

(A Two Part Series)

As we all know, I’m way ahead of the global financial meltdown because for my whole life I have been firmly committed to the cheep and fo’ free. And through the Dirt Alert, so have you.

These days the tips offered in the Alert may not be so much a lighthearted lark or a way to stick it to the Financial Man as they are a practical necessity. And I say fine. Let’s rock this shit out.

The first thing to do is hearken back to the lesson of our grandparents during the Depression. And that was: Don’t waste a goddamn thing. (These days, this mantra also gets you bonus points in Eco-Heaven.)

What the hell is my point? Here it is: (Read the next post now.)

Last Night I Made Stock From The Bones of The Pig on The Spit

2008-10-08T07:59:00.001-07:00

I like to call this creature The Pig That Keeps on Giving. I made pulled pork sandwiches from the leftovers the day after we roasted it, and when I pulled said pork off the bones I froze them and later made a yummy stock, fo’ free. And from that stock I made the Best Split Pea Soup Ever.

I save the bones whenever I cook. I shove ‘em in the freezer along with vegetable tops and herbs and all the stuff from the fridge that is just about to go soft. I've made chicken stock, veggie stock, mushroom stock, beet stock and turkey stock, and my dad has made stock from crab shells. It’s super easy – just put the frozen bones and veggies in water and boil, then turn down the stove and simmer for as long as you’re home. Making your own stock means won’t have to buy it in cardboard containers from Trader Joe’s, and it makes you look all gourmet and not just like a cheapass.

So think about it before you throw your food away: Can you freeze it and make stock out of it instead? Because these days, anyone who can make stock instead of making it disappear looks like a goddamned genius.

Wattstowers

2008-09-29T19:26:00.001-07:00

I spent yesterday eating BBQ at the Watts Jazz Festival right next to the historic Watts Towers.

What the h-e-double sticks are the Watts Towers, you ask? Well, they are these freaky towers made out of scrap rebar and other materials such as seashells and Canada Dry bottles, and they sit right in the middle of Watts. They were built by this badass eccentric named Simon Rodia, who worked on them all by himself, and did other things like bury his car when the police came looking for it.

In the usual fashion, a careless and indifferent city was about to raze the towers when two smart dudes came along and realized that they were looking at a completely unique piece of LA history. So they fought the man and won, and now a whole new group of artists and neighbors are rallying to revitalize the area around them.

But enough history - the jazz fest was super mellow. The hats were good, the ribs were fantastic, and the music was even better. And except for the ribs it was fo' free. So get thee out of your usual fifteen-mile radius and go check out something new in this fantastic city of ours.

Rick + Jose FINALLY!

2008-09-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

So the real reason I was in SF was to witness the wedding - yes, wedding, not commitment ceremony or domestic partnership registration - of the lovely Rick and Jose. It took place in the beautiful SF City Hall rotunda at the top of the stairs; I wept like I always do because I'm a big fat sap, and then we partied in Sausalito with paella and pie that night and chez Robert and Andy the next day.

And all I can say is FINALLY! Rick and Jose hold a special place in my heart because they had their first real date at my 30th bday party. I have to say, it was a gift unto itself to see Rick at my party waiting for Jose to walk in, looking so nervous and fumbling with his drink and generally dropping things. I got mileage outta that one for years.

Furthermore, Rick and Jose's wedding had the distinction of featuring the first-ever inclusion of a BlackBerry in the ceremony (that I've ever seen). The Supe marrying them read a poem off it. Knowing the number of times that Rick and I have cracked up at various weddings over things just such as this, I thought it very fitting that there I was at his, laughing and secretly rehearsing my sarcastic comments to lay on him later.

And finally: FINALLY! At least one city in the USA has stepped up and done the right thing with all this mess. Because love is love is love is love and then there's legislation.

Congrats Jose and Rick!

I Was in the Third Row at the Nick Cave Show

2008-09-22T20:20:00.001-07:00

And yep, he was singing right to me.

Yes, it was my second show in 4 days.

That'll do for another few years.

Nick Cave, Spiritualized.

2008-09-17T15:27:00.003-07:00

It's been an amazingly spiritualized time - I got to roast a pig on a spit and see Nick Cave, all in the same week.

You think I'm speaking metaphorically, but you didn't see the moon rise behind a giant neon cross on a hill above the Hollywood Bowl. And you didn't hear Nick sing "The Ship Song."

That, my friends, is the True Religion of Coco.

(I'm going again in San Francisco.)

Last Weekend I Roasted A Pig On A Spit

2008-09-17T15:27:00.001-07:00

No words. I have none. It was a religious experience.

Let me just say this: When you know the exact animal that gives you your food, it changes everything.

*Photos courtesy of Gracie J.

Spontaneous Partying

2008-09-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

Leave it to HT:C-K to throw the perfect spontaneous end-of-summer party this past weekend in their amazing pad with its beautiful fairy garden. I'm talking warm air, sparkly lights, red wine, flowers in the fountain, smoked salmon, good fashion, better tequila, roaming sweet-faced dogs, and a man in a white linen suit presiding over the grill. Cause being spontaneous is fo' free.

Bodyworlds

2008-09-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

Imagine you donate your body to science and the guy says, "Great, here's my vision. We'll have you balancing in the splits on two balls, with one hand on a third ball and your other hand holding your internal organs aloft. Oh yeah, and we'll have your back flayed open."

That, my friends, was exactly what I saw on Sunday night at the California Science Center's "Bodyworlds 3" exhibit. It is the most amazing scientific exhibit I have ever seen. They plastinate a bunch of bodies that have been donated to science (with the donor's full understanding and consent of how they will be used), and then carefully arrange them so that we live ones can see all the amazing structures of the human body. It is incredible, especially for a freak like me who likes to take everything apart and see how it works. Besides the many, many humans in various poses (lots of acrobatic ones, so you can see how muscles work), there's also a plastinated GIRAFFE. And the blood vessel system of a lamb that looks like some spooky piece of art. I left with a new appreciation of how amazing the body is, and frankly, a new appreciation of all life.

This one's over, but I see that there's a "Bodyworlds 4" already traveling through Europe. Do not miss it. It may not be cheep, but when will you ever get a chance to see something like this again?

A.D.D.G.

2008-09-08T12:38:00.000-07:00

So Saturday night was Ali G's grand opening of her show A.D.D.G. (aux dehors de guillemets) - look it up, suckas - at the lovely Honor Fraser Gallery, and I have to tell you, it was dope.

First of all, the artwork was amazing; I really have to go down and take a look at it again because there were so many well-wishers and art hipsters and nice people there that I didn't get nearly enough.

Second of all, the women's dresses. I knew my friends looked good, but not that good. There was something about the night that really brought out the best in everybody.

Third of all, the dinner afterward, which can only be described as one part triumph, one part art-family and one part Puccini. Just the way I like it.

So get your asses on down the Honor Fraser and check it. Cause it is, of course, fo' free.

Photo courtesy of Tulita Jeng, whose hair was looking fabulous that night.

Staycation

2008-09-05T10:09:00.000-07:00

Big shout-outs to my little bro E-Rock, who's working the two-week Staycation up in SF with his GF. Instead of pouring money down the gas-tubes, they're staying in town with a full schedule of All The Shit You Always Say You're Gonna Do But Never Get Off Your Ass For.

What can I say? Dirt runs deep in the family.

Speechless

2008-08-28T18:47:00.000-07:00

Dudes, I am speechless after yesterday. First of all, it was my mom's birthday and SJ Lapponka finished her film, which usually would be more than enough dirt. But on top of that, I spent all day glued to the television, watching history being made at the DNC.

An African-American has been nominated for President. I can't believe it. I've been tearing up all week; I've never been prouder.

As I watched everything go down in Mile High Stadium, I kept thinking about what the Founding Fathers would say if they could have seen it. Dig it: Participation back in the day was a bunch of white dudes in wigs who rode in on horseback. Today, it's a football stadium with live music and a guy named Barack Obama talking. Could any of them ever have imagined it?

I think they, too, would have been speechless.

Surrounded by Celebrity

2008-08-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

The Real Janelle and I were writing at the Alcove today, and when we went to sit down, it turns out that Bill Paxton was at the table right behind me. (Didn't know who he was; he didn't move out of the way so I could sit down.)

A few minutes later, TRJ signalled (by yelling over her iPod) that Mark Ruffalo was across the garden. (Really fucking cute - checked him out way before I knew who he was.) And, the week before, I was leaving the Alcove and I passed Adrian Grenier in the crosswalk. (So good-looking I got completely flustered and fake-checked my phone.)

That's what it's like, living in LA; I just can't shake the celebrities. Man, I wish they'd stop following me. But they seem to spot me all the time, where they can just gaze upon me, fo' free.

Twentyseven Palms, CA

2008-08-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

Viva 27 Palms! (That's Twentnine Palms, with 1 palm deducted for the beyond-Monty-Python Italian restaurant and 1 for the mouse in the middle of the night.)

Yes, me and Ali G crept outta town this weekend, and I relaxed so much I felt like I was in an alternate universe. I could barely raise my head off the lounge to take this picture.

And it's cheep right now, especially in the middle of the week. I wanna go back...

Come On Eileen

2008-08-22T15:03:00.001-07:00

So yesterday was the lovely Eileen's bday (and my friend Justin's - shout out to Chicago), so we celebrated 80s style, outside and downtown, and I mean dance party. Dudes, you have never seen so many side-ponies in your life, and a special mention goes out to the chick who wore only a leotard. I did jello shots fo' free, watched Eileen dance to "Come On Eileen," and of course got my picture taken with my Asian sisters. This picture is frightening.

Happy Birthday Eileen!

Ride. Share.

2008-08-21T13:11:00.001-07:00

Dudes, me and G-Reg + The Real Janelle got a good system worked out, fo' free. We all agreed that we'd call whenever we needed a ride to or from the airport and if we possibly could we'd take each other, so that we could all save on the bullshit cab/parking/shared-ride fees and the horrible attendant dramas and delays.

It's worked pretty well so far (except for when TRJ had to circle LAX fo' 45 minutes while I waited in vain to clear customs from Australia), and you get to decline if it's ridiculously early in the morning or tres late at night.

So this AM I gave them a ride to BUR, which means: A nice little catch-up, and money in the ride-bank when I need to go to SF or Arkansas or wherever in September. Word. Find a friend who lives near you and hook it up.

The Fortune of Tula and Steve

2008-08-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

The good fortune of meeting each other. Of having their friends and family join them at the beautiful Veranda Bar in the Hotel Figueroa to celebrate their engagement. And the lovely little fortune cookies, crafted fo' cheep, so that all their loved ones could write personalized fortunes for their life together.

Fortunate, indeed.

I Know What You're Doing Tonight, Peeps

2008-08-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

Watching Project Runway, of course. If you don't get Bravo, go over to a friend's house and watch it fo' free. (And guys, you don't have to lie anymore and say your girlfriend makes you watch it.)

And thanks to my new neighbor Krist-O for the best homage I've ever seen.

Free Concert, Scientology-Style

2008-08-12T11:37:00.001-07:00

Once a year the Scientology Celebrity Centre puts on a big concert in their front yard, which is right across the street from my house. They have great singers and a huge sound system, so I just throw open the windows and take in the music, fo' free.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. When it comes to concerts, anyway.

Silver Lake Supper Club

2008-08-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

So Saturday I spent all day chopping every known vegetable on the planet. Why, you ask? Because I was hanging out sous-chef style with my girl Carrie. Because I got to attend her amazing Silver Lake Supper Club that night fo' free. And because I love to cook and Carrie is the best chef I know, so I figured I could learn while I chopped and I chomped.

My girl's Silver Lake Supper Club brings together perfect strangers in secret locations to eat an amazing gourmet Slow Food meal, every other month. There's a wait list, dudes, and it is long. (Unless you chop all day, and then you zoom right to the front.)

This time, the secret location was this pretty Schindler house with a gorgeous view and a really nice host, the menu was vegetarian, and I got to feel like I kinda saved the day when I McGyvered tea bags out of coffee filters and toothpicks. Very satisfying.

I will leave you with the menu. I myself left with half a coconut cake.

Wild mushroom crostini
...
Artichoke soup with purple basil pesto
...
Heirloom watermelon, black olive and feta salad
Corn and cabbage slaw with orange vinaigrette
...
Braised leeks with lemon, thyme and mustard seed
Roasted green and yellow baby zucchini with heirloom tomato and ricotta filling
...
Coconut cake with mint cream
Fresh white peaches
Organic tea

Bacon Alarm Clock

2008-08-06T18:44:00.000-07:00

I received this from the Jacobs half of Jacobs and Diaz, Attorneys At Law. He wrote simply:

"Because you should know about these things."

See, things aren't all bad.

Bruised.

2008-08-06T18:30:00.001-07:00

Dudes, I can barely walk, and this one's not even the bad leg. The other one's the one with the twisted knee. Ladies and gentleman, I am a gimp.

Don't get me wrong - I've rocked it down to San Diego (where I DIDN'T get to surf and DID get a bad sunburn), I've been for cocktails with Tutu, I spent last night at the Hollywood Bowl listening to the crickets outperform the Symphony during a Beethoven sonata, and tonight I'm introducing Ali G. to her new cactus family - but somehow these stupid bad things keep happening. Earthquakes*, injuries, sunburns - and on top of it all, I can't even train for the half-marathon that I've worked hard to get ready for.

What the hell is going on? Am I the only one who's feeling like something has to give before the whole damn world explodes?

*I also learned that the whole earthquake advisory thing I posted was a bunch of crap that's been debunked all over the place. See, even the disaster planning is going wrong...

Quake City Survival

2008-07-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

Everyone who doesn't live in a quake zone - humor me. This sh*t is important, and it's fo' free. Thanks, Nattaknight. Now I'm off to buy me a fold-up ladder for my third-floor brick & concrete pad.

Excerpt From 'Triangle of Life', by Doug Copp.

My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake.

I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries.

I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.

The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones.

They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn't at the time know that the children were told to hide under something.

Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or
furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the 'triangle of life'. The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the
object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the 'triangles' you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.

Tips for Earthquake Safety

1) Most everyone who simply 'ducks and covers' WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.

2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compresss lightly but leave a void next to it.

3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is
flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.

4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe
void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting asign on the back of the door of every room telling occupants to liedown on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.

5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.

6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!

7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different 'moment of frequency' (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.

8) Get near the outer walls of buildings or outside of them if possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the
outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.

9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.

10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.

Spread the word and save someone's life... The entire world is experiencing natural calamities so be prepared!

In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul, University of Istanbul Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and ten mannequins I used in my 'triangle of life' survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results. The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable, scientific conditions , relevant to building collapse, showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover.

There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the 'triangle of life.' This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe, and it was seen in the USA, Canada and Latin America on the TV program 'Real TV'.

Sh*t, We Just Had A Major Earthquake

2008-07-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

I am OK - I was working in a cafe and at first I thought the dude behind me was kicking my chair. Then I realized he was nowhere near close enough. Then the ground started rolling and outside all the stop signs started waving and the telephone poles and cafe umbrellas did too and I knew it was an earthquake. I jumped up with about a dozen other people and went outside while the rest of the fools sat there next to the big plate glass windows and steaming espresso machines. I grabbed my phone in case I couldn't come back - little good that did me; the lines were and are still blocked. It was still swaying a bit outside and then it stopped.

Then we found out it was 5.8 and based in Pomona. The USGS is calling it a moderate quake. Fuck that - there was nothing moderate about it.

SHIT! I'm still shaky.

The one thing that is not so great about LA. But still fo' free.

Cocopalooza '08

2008-07-22T09:03:00.001-07:00

Well, we all got home from LOP in one piece after turning into a bunch of tequila-drinking six-year-olds for the birthday weekend bash. That's right, peeps, it was Year #2, and just like last time, we slept out under the stars, swam ourselves silly, hung out on Worm Island, and had the boat break down at the crucial moment during the Poontang Booze Cruise. Thanks to everyone who came - I love you more than bacon.

And, for those of you who weren't able to make it (and in the spirit of full disclosure that I wasn't always as fly as I am now - sometimes it takes a while to grow into it), here's a gift for you: The high school graduation photo that my parents proudly display on the wall by the stairs.

Perfect Morning

2008-07-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got up early, drove to Santa Monica (no traffic), had a run along the beach, then jumped into the Pacific and had a little swim before heading off to work. The run was beautiful - surfers and Ferris wheels and architecture to check out - and the water was perfect. Perfect. I was happy and salty and shiny and all exercised and caffeinated before 9AM.

No day can be bad when you start with a swim in the ocean. Just get up and do it. I'm gonna do it every week. Fo' free.

Dog On Wheels

2008-07-15T12:32:00.001-07:00

I need this dog. Seriously. This is the one I want. How do you beat a dog with a cart?

Anyway, I can't have a dog (apartment, travel, blah), but if you can, get one at a rescue! So much cheeeper than purebreds! And these cute bitches need homes!

Hippos In Hollywood

2008-07-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

The LA Zoo is, like, 5 miles from my house and I've been wanting to go forever, so on Saturday I strolled on down. It's fun to walk through, it looks all lush and retro, and you def get to see a cross-section of LA that you (I) never see. However, the animals were mostly all asleep cause it was so dang hot, so there weren't a lot of creatures to gawk at, but I do have to say, I love the fact that a hippo lives 5 miles from my house, and really, what's cuter than twin baby giraffes?

Cute Girl Discount

2008-07-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

So this morning I got my stereo fixed by my mechanic, Stuart, fo' free. Well, actually, he tried to fix it and couldn't, so he sent me down a couple blocks to his stereo guys. Who showed me what was wrong with it, fo' free. (Simple re-programming, not in the manual.)

Stuart the Mechanic said, "I'd take the car down there for you, but to be brutally honest, you'll do better if you take it in." Which opened up a discussion of the Cute Girl Discount.

Which, I said, I was happy to take, given the fact that women make 78 cents on the dollar on the average compared to men. (This is the point where most guys I know start backing slowly out of the room.) And there's the fact that women have to spend quality time finding a mechanic who won't try to screw them.

Stuart, proving himself finer than most, totally agreed with my assessment, which basically is: It all comes out in the wash.

Malo es Bueno

2008-07-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

Discussing the upcoming August pig roast over Cucumber- Jalapeno Tequila Sunrises and soft tacos carnitas on the patio at Malo.

A perfect LA night, fo' cheep.

Welcome Squish

2008-07-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

So I went over to C-Reg and Carina's yesterday to see their brand new baby, whom I have nicknamed Squish. She is the cutest, and her real name is Kira. I got to hold her and hang out with Carina and her mom and have a teeny glass of wine with Carina for the first time in about nine months.

Family time - it feels so rare in LA.New babies sure aren't fo' free for the parents, but they are if you're Auntie Coco.

Welcome Squish - six days old and you already made the Dirt Alert.

Coco Unplugged

2008-07-08T10:35:00.001-07:00

So I got home from the Lake O' The Pines Family Fourth-Fest at 9AM yesterday; a fantastic a blur of swimming and cold beers and nephews and 20 people getting up and going to bed at all hours of the day and the night. It's true that you never knew when someone was going to make a sheetcake next to your head at 6AM, but that was part of the fun.

As great as it was, it is also fair to say that wasn't the most restful four days of my life. Especially since I got up at 3:30AM to make my flight. So I did something yesterday that I HIGHLY recommend: I unplugged.

What this means is - I lay on the couch all morning and drank coffee and read a book; I fell asleep for awhile; I woke up, grilled a sausage, drank a beer and watched the Red Sox game; I hung out in the bathtub and finished my book; I generally ignored my phone and my email and my 500 little errands that I usually do when I have a "day off." I didn't literally unplug (please...) but I didn't leave the house and I did generally goof off. The picture to the right is the best summary of me and my day.

A day to yourself. Now that is a vacation. Fo' free.

What...?

2008-07-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

Dudes, yesterday I was doing my thrice-weekly run through my Hollywood neighborhood and I ran right by A PEACOCK. It was just wandering around the street, no big deal, like it was a pigeon or a sparrow or whatever. A peacock with a really pretty tail, just like the one to the right. Fo' me. Fo' free.

And PS no I am not talking about the beautiful boys and girls who strut down The Catwalk near my house every night.

Made In America

2008-06-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

So Friday night I took a break from finishing up my script (turned in Sunday, yo!) and went to see "Made In America," the amazing doc that my friends Shaun and G.U.S. produced. It screened outside at 350 S. Grand, downtown LA, fo' free, and it's a movie about the gangs in Los Angeles, so the balmy air and helicopters and surrounding skyscrapers melded into the film.

Dudes, this is an amazingly good movie on a subject that nobody talks about - the conditions in LA and the US that gave rise to gang activity and the war between the Crips and the Bloods. Maybe the most startling fact was that it's a civil war that's been going on longer than the conflict in Northern Ireland and more lives have been lost, but it hasn't gotten any attention or resources. Well, certainly a lot less than we're spending on the Iraqis. (Clearly you don't want to get me started on this...)

And at the end, a bunch of the guys who were in the film stood up for a Q&A, and they were among the most powerful speakers I've heard in a long time. They're devoting their lives to stopping gang violence, and their organizations are down on the ground doing the good work. Check 'em out, give 'em money, see the movie, and spread the word.

Dirt Gets Props

2008-06-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

So I was at Asian Dinner last night (my nickname at these events is Yao Ming), and not one but two of the ladies the table gave The Dirt Alert the best props ever. Ms. P, a songwriter, said she was stuck for something to write about the other day, so she scrolled through the Alert for inspiration, fo' free. Then Ms. E, who writes for a children's animated series, chimed in and said she's done the exact same thing.

I tell you, it's enough to make you pick up the laptop and make three posts today. That, and the fact that it's been a while and there's been so much Dirt.

Get Wet

2008-06-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to remind everyone here in El Ey that we live near the ocean. You should go get in it, immediately. Especially while it's so damn hot. I did last weekend and it was amazing, and then we went and ate fish and drank beer. A perfect day.

Sometimes I forget that I'm the luckiest person in the world, but that reminded me. Citizens of LA, there are people living in land-locked places all over our fair country who would kill to be able to drive to a So. Cal beach. For some of them, that's even called a dream vacation.

And did you remember that the ocean is fo' free?

The Upside of Contracting (Viva Espana!)

2008-06-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

The upside of working long weekends and living through feast-or-famine work cycles: You can watch the World Cup at 2PM and drink beer and eat sausages WHILE working. And since you're getting paid, it's better than fo' free.

Bonus extra: The Scottish announcer, Andy Gray, who is never afraid of a few bad puns: "The rain and Spain poured down on the Russian defensive plain, and thunder rumbled and lightning flashed as the Spanish fired a few crackers of their own."

The New York Times digs him as much as I do: "Gray has been the extra revelation of Euro 2008."

Second bonus extra (lady-style): Watching a bunch of Italian/Spanish/Dutch dudes run around in shorts. So much better than American sports.

Go Spain!

Life Is Beautiful

2008-06-18T09:46:00.001-07:00

That's the name of the art show I went to last night - VIP preview suckas! (Which means, free wine.)

Mr. Brainwash is this guy who runs with Banksy and Shepard Fairey (who, apparently, I met last night when I was talking to my friend Josh).

AND, my other friend Josh bought me dinner at my fave low-fi excellent sushi place, Ike Sushi, so the whole night was fo' free.

AND, it's summer in LA, so after peeping the art, we hung out in the courtyard and rocked the sexywarm night. Life is indeed beautiful. (Although Obama, Hilary and McCain as founding fathers are a bit scary.)

Finally Everyone Can Get Married

2008-06-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

...At least in California. Gays and lesbians are getting married in the park in West Hollywood right now. Rock it out before some jerks take it back to court.

Because it's Hollywood, among them is George Takei - Sulu of Star Trek. Checkov is the best man and Uhura is the matron of honor. Trekkies across the globe must be wetting their pants.

Equality is nice. But it sure ain't fo' free.

I told you this was the Summer of Love.

My Marxist Feminist Dialectic Brings All The Boys To The Yard

2008-06-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry, peeps, it's too late to buy it for me for my birthday; I already ordered it. Oh my goodness, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

It's hard for a girl in the modern age to bring together her politics AND her love of booty-bumpin' phat jamz in one pithy image on her chest fo' cheep. Word up to TorsoPants!

All We Ever Wanted Was This Book Party

2008-06-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

Ms. Janelle Brown had her very first reading last night at our friendly neighborhood bookstore, Skylight Books, where she rocked the house with a couple passages from her fab new book "All We Ever Wanted Was Everything."

Then we all rolled on down to the afterparty, where the people were looking good, the snax were looking good, the St. Germain cocktails were looking good, and the ice cream sundae bar was looking good twice.

But the best part (besides the amazing fucking achievement of Janelle writing a novel, getting it published, seeing it turn into a real live book, and finding it on the shelves at a store) was the genuine sense of celebration and affection that permeated the event. It was the perfect night - one of those rocking parties you'd always imagined attending, when you grew up and you and your friends started achieving all you'd ever wanted.

photo by tula jeng.

Baby's First Apocalypse

2008-06-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

We had a baby shower for Carina on Sunday, which meant a lot of presents for her and a lot of wine for everyone else - a fair deal by any standards. I'm happy to say it felt more like a chill afternoon with all my best girls on Hilary and Christine's super-dope porch than anything else.

There was one game - we each made a fake scrapbook page for Carina and Craig's impending bebe. The winner: "Baby's First Apocalypse."

Yes, it was that kind of shower. Congrats, C*C!

Live Screenprinting Salon with HIT+RUN Today!

2008-06-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

Dudes, Farmlab is this cool org downtown that focuses on considering the urban space, weird eco-projects, and just plain cool shit. And I just found out that you can go down there and make your own t-shirt today at noon with this badass t-shirt collective, FO' FREE!

WHY DO I HAVE TO WORK?!?!?

Live Screenprinting with HIT+RUN

Los Angeles silkscreen collective HIT+RUN brings their mobile screenprinting studio to Farmlab for a limited edition printing session. Choose the combination and placement of exclusive designs to create your own one-of-a-kind custom t-shirt live on the spot.

OBAMA WINS!

2008-06-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

I know I've been using a lot of exclamation points lately, but this truly deserves one. I am nearly in tears - scratch that - I am in tears. I can't believe I'm seeing an African American win the nomination of a major party in the United States of America. I've never ever ever felt this proud of our political system.

I got nothin'. I'm speechless.

Excuse me while I go dance in the streets.

Dick & Sonda Turn 40!

2008-06-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

That's right, my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary yesterday.

What did they do, you ask? They went to Reno and stayed in a hotel fo' free and gambled fo' free (Dick had a coupon, yo) and won $148 bux. Then me and my loving siblings sent them to a fancy dinner at Washoe Grill, one of Reno's best new restaurants, so they could eat some prime rib fo' free.

Mom, thanks for going on that blind date to the Torch Lounge in Flint, MI 41 years ago, even though your hair was dirty and you didn't feel like it. Dad, thanks for ceasing to hit on the cocktail waitress as soon as mom walked in (no dummy). And both of you, thanks for rocking it from China to the Czech Republic in white sneakers and blue windbreakers, being way too strict while I was young and completely lenient now that I'm old, and most of all, thanks for showing us all how it's done, long-term style.

UPDATE: Free Cupcakes!

2008-05-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

So on the day I post this thing about free cupcakes, Steve comes over and we go out to sushi before he continues on to a birthday party, and before he leaves for the party, he gives me a coco cupcake, fo' free.

BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE BLOG!

Free Cupcakes!

2008-05-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

I got this email from Siouxsie Sue the other day:

Hey cupcake! I see the word "free" and think of you:

Eat: Free Cupcakes at Crumbs
Thursday at 216 N Larchmont Blvd, Hancock Park; 323.464.8400

To celebrate their latest opening, Crumbs is giving away free 'cakes to their first 1000 customers, from pistachio and carrot to childhood faves like Reese's Pieces and Oreo Cookie -- the perfect meta-dessert after a meal of hamburger-flavored ribs.

xoxo S.

See, that is what I am talking about. If The Dirt Alert has done nothing for me but make people think of Coco when they see free cupcakes, then I'm a happy woman.

Sadly, I could not partake, nor could I even post about them in time for you-all to go get a free cake. Right now work is very much getting in the way of being broke and having the best life. Ah, the trade-offs...

Thanks, Siouxsie Sue!

Janelle's Book Is Out Today!

2008-05-27T19:30:00.001-07:00

It's called All We Ever Wanted Was Everything, and it is dope. And not just because I'm thanked in the acknowledgements. Or because she was reviewed in People (this week's issue with the bulldog on the cover). But don't trust me, trust Publisher's Weekly:

“A withering Silicon Valley satire . . . Brown's hip narrative reads like a sharp, contemporary twist on The Corrections.”

Her first novel! I am so proud. Now get thee to a bookstore or click on the link above, cause all you ever wanted was this badass summer read.

Magnificent Obsession

2008-05-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

I've been doing this super-cool job lately where I've been researching the history of crime in Los Angeles from the late 1800s to present day, and I have to say, it's the most fascinating thing I've done in a long time and I can't believe I get paid to do it.

I've met all these super-smart geeky below-the-radar crimesters who know everything and a cast of genuine LA characters who were actually there when the shit went down. I've had so many amazing conversations and incredible experiences that I plan on dining out on them for the next year. The next time we hang out, I'll tell you some.

Yesterday I talked with this amazing woman, Joan, who collects cosmetics ephemera throughout the ages. She argues that old powder puffs, rouge jars, perfume bottles and compacts tell a social history of feminism, and I have to say I agree. Plus, her stuff is beautiful.

We talked about Bad Girls Throughout The Ages - where they hung out (opium dens and blind pigs), what they wore (makeup - gasp!), what they did (bad stuff), and of course, what they put on their faces (different from what good girls wore).

And, as she told me story after story about robber queens, husband killers, and what color powder the Black Dahlia wore, we talked about why it's so cool to get really passionate about something; because it's a lens through which the whole world opens up. And we agreed that it almost doesn't matter what your subject is - any obsession is magnificent.

Summer of Love Exhibit #2 - Tula and Steve

2008-05-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

Proof that this is indeed the Summer of Love: Steve popped the question and Tula said si!

This is their extremely gothy selves at Bar Sinister the other night.

Hmmm...another addition to the Goth Roll Call?

Engaged Goths.

Mid-Air

2008-05-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

Summer of Love Exhibit #1:

Yesterday my friend and I were strolling through Little Tokyo at dusk, having just chomped on some righteous noodles fo' cheep at this teeny little noodle house. Suddenly, right in front of our faces, a sparrow swooped in and plucked a big black bug out of the air, not more than six inches away. The bird took its prey down and started chomping, crunch crunch, fo' free. I've never seen anything like it.

If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Open Season

2008-05-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

Dudes, the Summer of Love is ON.

So go get you some. Fo' free.

Goth Roll Call

2008-05-19T08:49:00.000-07:00

Dudes, I did something Saturday night that I haven't done in about ten years: I went to a goth club. Miss T's friend Jill Tracy, this dark smartypants singer from SF, was performing, so we dug out some of our old goth remnants and swirl-danced on down to Bar Sinister.

The Queen of the Night, by far, was Gennan, who busted out coupons at the door for half off the cover charge. Using coupons to get into a goth club fo' cheep threw the evening onto a whole other plane, and I'm happy to say that it stayed there all night. We walked into an open-air courtyard replete with dripping candelabra, misty fountains, handmade jewelry and light bondage stations, and, unlike SF, LA is goth lite, so the music was actually good. But it was the costuming that was not to be believed.

Goth Roll Call:

- Paparazzi Goth: 6'4" Mohawk'd skinny dude in 9-inch heels.
- J. Geils Goth: Striped shirt, tweaking.
- Hugh Hefner Goth: Jacquard robe, swirly-danced with a golf-club shaped silver-tipped cane.
- Go-Go Goths: Hot girls in goth lingerie dancing on platforms.
- German Army Goth: Military jacket, floor length man-skirt.
- Gothlings: Boylets who followed Jill around.
- Get Smart Goths: Couple in a beret and chic 60s outfits.
- Rennaissance Goth: Long-haired boys standing alone by pillars.
- Gas Mask Goth: Some weird dude who kept putting on and taking off a gas mask.
- Corset Goth: Ginormous breasts served up on a platter.
- Mr. Sister Goth: Large-and-in-charge tranny goodness.

Friends, we could not stop laughing the entire night (very un-goth, I know), BUT, contrary to the dude at the bar who goth-served me for our commentary, it was actually all said with a deep, deep affection and respect for these lovely children of darkness. (And a hint for you guys out there: Forget what you've heard about insulting a girl as a great way to pick her up.)

Back in my little home, I wiped the last smear of dark eyeliner off my face and thought about all that I love about goths - I love that they dress up, I love that they Stevie-Nicks dance, and, as usual, I love that this whole other macabre-lite world exists just a mere five-minute walk from my house.

Monster Park

2008-05-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

This is where we ate dumplings on the "Blood and Dumplings" tour. It's called Monster Park because its populated by concrete sea monsters, like this lovely pink whale here.

The sculptures were made by this Mexican sculptor, Benjamin Dominguez, in the 60s. Families used to drive for miles to bring their kids here to slide down the sea dragon and swing from the squid.

But in 2006, some mean city officials decided that they wanted to raze the whole menagerie, so a group of concerned citizens (and former playgrounders) got together and saved it. And I would like to say: Thank you, Friends of La Laguna, for saving this weird whimsical place so that new generations of LA kids can play on some world class sculpture fo' free.

My Burning Man Financial Plan

2008-05-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

Would you take financial advice from this guy?

I did.

I met my buddy Yoni (yes he knows) when we drove to Burning Man together. Eight hours in the car with a stranger coulda been bad. It wasn't.

So last week Yoni gave my name to his friend Ben, who's a genius at helping folks set up a financial plan for that time in the future when we will hopefully no longer be broke but will still want to have the best lives.

In our very short meeting, Ben endeared himself to me by a) helping me develop short-term and long-term $plan$ that totally made sense, FO' FREE, and b) telling me that even if I ignored everything he said, I could still call him at any moment for the rest of my life and he would give me even more financial advice which I could then ignore, FO' FREE.

So basically, he's gonna help me get money for nothin'. Who knew I could get my shit more-than-together for so cheep?

In the playa-approved spirit of passing on the good stuff: benjamin.brin@nmfn.com. And, thanks, Yon.

Blood And Dumplings

2008-05-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

Darling readers, I got to do something this weekend that I've ALWAYS wanted to do. I went on Esotouric's Crime Bus, where these smart, hilarious guides take you on a tour of LA's historic true crimes scenes.

These folks have gleefully turned over every rock in our fair city to reveal the slimy secrets that lie beneath, and they're happy to dish them up along with dumplings to a busload of nosy urban-spelunking weird-history geeks like myself. (And a bunch of Red Hat Ladies, who didn't seem to be as thrilled with the expletives and the ephemaera as I was.)

This one was themed 'Blood and Dumplings', and took us through the San Gabriel Valley, sometimes lovingly referred to as the "rat's asshole of LA." (I'm paraphrasing Mr. James Ellroy cause I'm too lazy to look it up.) Who knew there were that many trailer parks? Or the onetime headquarters of the US Nazi Party? Or lesbian roommates shooting each other up with coma-inducing drugs? Well, now I do.

Then we ate dumplings from one of LA's most amazing secret restaurants. What could be better?

Oh yeah, the fact that it was FO' FREE, cause I went on it for work! (Usually $60 bux, which is why I hadn't done it yet.)

Thanks and secret handshakes to Richard and Kim and their partners in mayhem who made the tour so fun, and a tip of the fedora to my crime buddy, Terry, my new favorite denizen of our cracked-up oddball glorious rotting city.

Faygotastic.

2008-05-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

Pop. Not soda. And you pronounce the 'o' like an 'a'.

I got all nostalgic when I found Faygo pop in a grocery store in Traverse City. It's a local Michigan brew, and I lived on it when I was a kid, cause it was cheep. So I hauled a bunch home and shared it with fellow Michiganders and other lucky friends. It tasted like syrup, sticky and sweet.

And then there's the real syrup that my Aunt Jan gave me. She made it. With her friend. Who has maple trees. Homemade. It takes 40 gallons of sap to make one gallon of syrup. That's right, suckas. Pancakes at my house.

(And check out the Faygo recipe site - Faygotastic Ribs!)

Life, Liberty, Beaches and Pie

2008-05-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's the slogan of my ancestral home, also known as the Cherry Capital of the World. So fitting, because when you think of Coco, I'm sure that's exactly what you think of - Life, Liberty, Beaches and Pie.

Here's the cherry pie that my aunt made with Traverse City cherries. They were from Uncle Timothy's orchards, so you know they were fo' free. And the local cherry wine that we drank with it. Yum.

One of the bottles of win was from the National Cherry Festival. Did I mention that there was a festival? With a Cherry Queen? And Cherry Princesses? I thought not.

Fashion & Family, Traverse City-Styley

2008-05-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

Dudes, I'm back from Traverse City, and I will never be the same. I went for the Heritage Foundation Fashion Show that featured clothes from my great-great-grandmother and other relatives. It took place in the Opera House that my ancestors helped build, it was emcee'd by my fantastic Uncle Timothy, and it was cool as hell to see these models wearing vintage clothes against a backdrop of my ancestors decked out in the same gear.

For extremely obvious reasons, it was especially gratifying to yours truly when they busted out a pair of my great-aunt's panties. Ruffled.

It was a weekend of non-stop history, fashion, and eating (lest you forget, it's always about the food). I loved it. And, as it turns out, I'm related to practically everyone in town.

Other highlights:

- The freakin' amazing architecture of this teeny little town. Some architects have moved there and created cool modern eco-house, which somehow fit in well with the classic barns and farmhouses.

- Fluffy white cherry orchards and rolling green farmland surrounded on both sides by blue, blue water.

- Tea at my Uncle Timothy's house, on one of the old family farms, for which he busted out the Limoges.

- Eating lunch in the mental institution where my grandparents met.*

- The State Theater, a vintage movie house that Mr. Michael Moore has updated to HD and turned into a venue for a world-class film festival.

- All the food you can grow here: Cherries, blueberries, mushrooms, milk, cheese, grapes for wine, and every vegetable you can think of. You could eat entirely locally.

More Michigan tales to come, but in general, I have one over-arching thought: I love being from this place.

*I promise neither was an inmate. In true form, the building is now being turned into a chi-chi residence area, with apartments above and food/wine/art/cafes on the ground floor. We ate this amazing meal with all locally grown ingredients from area farms. Word.

Fashion & Family, Part II - More Pix

2008-05-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

You're So Not Ready For Traverse City

2008-05-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

And neither am I. This is what I'm doing this weekend:

"Grand Traverse Heritage Center presents A Vintage Fashion Show & Chocolate Decadence Buffet, 2-4 p.m., featuring the Norma Wilhelm Carroll collection, $20, benefits GT Heritage Center, reservations; City Opera House, 106 E. Front, Traverse City, MI; 995-0313."

Why am I going? Because Norma Wilhelm Carroll is my grandma's sister, and my Uncle Timothy, who used to be the head of the Peace Corps in Russia and Poland and is now a gentleman farmer, found a trunk of her old clothes in the attic and donated 'em to the ladies of the Heritage Center. The togs are from the 1800s and 1900s, the fashion show is going to take place in the City Opera House, which my family apparently helped build, and there's gonna be old photos of my relatives wearing these clothes as the backdrop to the show. Then we're gonna go to Uncle Timothy's and have prune kolach and tea.

Dudes...how does it get any better than this? Family history, vintage fashion, Northern Michigan...I'm almost speechless at this upcoming gold mine of Dirt. And guess who's gonna get it fo' free? That's right. You.

The Most Hollywood Sentence I Will Ever Write

2008-05-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

Here it is:

After turning in my screenplay last night, I got up early and went over to Venice for the first surf of the season with my producer.

It just don't get more LA than that.

Clear blue morning, sparkly waves, salt water in my hair, coffee outside - the perfect way to celebrate. And it's so damn good to get my little fishy self back into the water. And of course, it was fo' free. (Cause Gus bought the coffee - thanks, G!)

I Finished My Script!

2008-04-30T17:35:00.001-07:00

The now-ritual photo of the ritual glass of wine while holding the finally-finished product.

Not that I haven't been drinking - it's just that now I can go back to drinking with other people.

Word.

LOPeeps Fly Cheep!

2008-04-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

Dudes, unbeknownst to them, Southwest is sponsoring COCOLOPO8 by throwing a super-cheep ticket sale to Sacramento. Check it: $59 each way to Sacto from Burbank. You don't even have to deal with LAX!

Get 'em now and lock that shzit in. Shuttle service available from SMF-LOP. (Driven by super-foxy drivers.)

*Be sure to thank Jackie and his hot-pink YSL. He Alerted me to this Dirt.

I Wear My Sundresses At Night

2008-04-28T18:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday night Miss T and I went for dinner at the sushi joint around the corner. Like me, she has also been so incredibly busy that she was kind of beyond speech, but it didn't matter, cause it was one of those hot hot nights where we both just tooled around in sundresses and flip-flops and the smell of jasmine was overpowering and tons of folks were hanging out at the bars around the corner from my house and talking and laughing and smoking and drinking cold beer.

Sometimes it feels like a vacation just living here, and no more so than nights like these. Sundresses at night - so good and completely fo' free.

Love From The Lily Pad

2008-04-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

I know I have been extremely girlie lately and posted about flowers THREE TIMES this year, but I am walking around my little hothouse in the sky all drunk off the smell of these amazing giant lilies. I picked 'em up at the Hwood Farmer's Market. (Tip: Go just as the market is closing and they're like $2 bux a stem.) Flowers are the one thing that always make me feel rich, even when I'm broke (and have the best life).

Love from the lily pad.

Ruffled Panties. Cheep.

2008-04-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

Dudes, the store around the corner from my house is having a ruffled panties sale! They're just like the pineapple kind I posted about long ago, and they're only $12 bux, which is expensive for panties but cheep for the cutest pair you'll ever rock beneath a sundress. Trust me, you need these.

The ones that're on sale mostly feature cute astrological signs, which for most chicks is super-dope. But for me and anyone else born in June/July, there's a problem, because there's no way I'm gonna clap a pair of Cancer panties with a bunch of crabs all over 'em on myself, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. So I just decided that when it comes to ruffled panties, my star sign is Honeybee.

If you don't live near me and MUST have these undies, let me know. I'll run around the corner and pick 'em up. Please specify star sign and bootie size and I'll do my best. (Girls only - No way am I sending these ruffled panties to guys, not even "for your girlfriend." Trust me, I don't care what you do on your own time, but there are things I don't need to know about you.)

And big props to Caro for Alerting me to this vital piece of Dirt.

The Earth Is Made Of Dirt

2008-04-22T07:27:00.001-07:00

Things to do fo' free on Earth Day:

1. Walk somewhere instead of driving. Check out all the stuff that you don't see when you're simultaneously shifting/changing the station/drinking a latte/talking on the phone/applying mascara. (I have never done this.)

2. Put a seed in some dirt and add water. I'm not gonna tell you what happens, but trust me, it's magic.

3. Wear blue. People across the country are doing this to show that they don't want any more coal power plants to open up. These plants are the largest single CO2 producer in the world. (Much worse than those steaks and SUVs.)

4. Call your senator/rep at 202-224-2131 and tell them you want them to enact some badass climate change initiatives. (Preferably ones that create green jobs for our suckling economy.)

5. Turn off your computer. (As soon as you finish reading this, of course.)

5. Go vegetarian. I won't be doing this, but knock yourself out.

Happy Earth Day, kittens.

A Perfect Storm of Dirt

2008-04-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

Sunday was a perfect storm of dirt. Here's how it went down:

1. BevMo 5 Cent Sale - I rocked on down to BevMo's twice-yearly wine sale to get a bunch of cases for LOPO8 Fest. Now, you can get all snarky and Silver Lake Wine Shop on my ass if you want, but twice a year at BevMo, when you buy a bottle of wine for the regular price, they give you the second one fo' 5 cents. Which, as all you heavy drinkers out there know, is practically fo' free.

2. Hollywood Farmer's Market - Fresh cheese, fresh bread and warm tomatoes on the vine, straight from the dudes who made 'em. Not free, but cheep considering that they created the best sandwich one could ever hope to eat in one's entire life.

3. Girlie Clothes Swap #3 (or #4 - I can't remember) - I made sangria with 5cent wine and strawberries from the Farmer's Market and a bunch of my best girls came over and we all ran around in our underwear and got a bunch of new clothes fo' free. So if you see a bunch of ladies running around town looking extra good (especially one named Darcy), that'd be us. Calvin Klein and Geren Ford, yo. (And if you live in the area, come on over - there's still plenty left.)

I Become A World-Famous Supermodel

2008-04-19T09:27:00.001-07:00

So I'm walking back to my car from the cafe yesterday when all of a sudden this guy in a Hyundai Elantra pulls over next to me and gets out, saying "Excuse me?" I start backing away while of course maintaining my Midwestern wary-but-polite "May I help you?" face (not to be confused with the CS Look of Death). He says, "I'm a photographer and I'd like to shoot you while I'm in town I love your dress and of course you'd be paid" (cause he could sense that I was not fo' free) and he shoves a business card into my hand and gets back in the Hyundai and leaves.

Now, of course, you know I was looking good, but that is not the point. The point is, he had one of those clip-on police sirens slapped on the top of his Hyundai. And given that, I just wanted to let you all know I'm giving up on the writing and am taking him up on his offer. Cause, you know, I'm gonna be a star.

COCOLOPO8

2008-04-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's that time of year again, when I kick my parents out of their home in honor of them giving birth to me and supporting me for more years than I care to admit, so that my friends and I can take over the LOP Lake House for a birthday weekend of ME. And you. And food. And drinks. And the pontoon. And the paddle-boat. And the water worm. And Jake's hot-pink YSL. And all the caftans, cowboy hats, kimonos and cutoffs you can stand.

Let me know if you can come. If you can't, you will be missed, but trust me, I'll feel way sorrier for you than vice-versa. The lake will change your life.

Families with babies get first dibs on the private rooms, and we have plenty of water wings etc. from the nephews.

Dates: Friday, July 18 - Sunday, July 20.

The only rule: Don't touch Coco's grill.

Advice

2008-04-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

Big ups to the O.G. jogger who yelled at me this morning, "Concrete is 18-22% harder than asphalt!"

I.e. "Get your ass off the sidewalk and onto the road if you still want to have knees at my age."

Advice. One thing that always seems to be fo' free.

Got any?

Death Metal & Porcelain Panthers

2008-04-16T12:37:00.001-07:00

I’m just returning from a weekend of death metal and porcelain panthers in the neo-gothic outpost of Cicero, Illinois. A girl needs a vacation now and then, even if it's not fo' free, and I’m not talking about Palm Springs; I’m talking about an entire change of venue, of state, of wind chill.

So, after a long liquid flight with my new long-haul trucker friends Ed and Bob, I touched down in the alternate Midwest universe of dank, dark rock clubs, deer-hoof coat racks, and the ghost of Al Capone playing cards upstairs. The wind howled through the streets in a dusty whirl of stamp collections and Nick Cave and architecture as we mixed mojitos and new tracks and put more damn vinyl on the record player.

And before I could even think, I was doing shots of Becherovka and eating svickova na smetane while famous Czech rock bands gave lectures upstairs; I was rummaging through bins of exotic jewelry in patchouli-filled secondhand shops; I was head-banging to Dead Child in the Empty Bottle while getting hit on by girls and checking the drummer’s right hand for broken bones. That night I dreamed it was so windy the house blew away.

I flew home yesterday with shadows under my eyes, snakes twisting around my finger and a panther at my throat, thinking of satellites and silk screens, squinting into the sun and wondering how it could be 97 degrees anywhere in the world at all.

Tell Me Baby

2008-04-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Nikki Six had an extra ticket to the AFI Music Docs Series at the Arclight last night, so I fought past the paparazzi screaming outside for Britney (some premiere), and went with her to see the new Red Hot Chili Peppers doc. It was about the making of three of their "Stadium Arcadium" videos, including "Dani California" and "Tell Me Baby".

I like and respect the Chili Peppers, but I've never loved them 'til now. Here's why: In "Tell Me Baby", Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris (Little Miss Sunshine) had amateurs audition to play one of the Peppers' instruments in the video. Then, while they were playing, the other three Chili Peppers would bust in and finish the song with them. You should have seen their faces as they realized that they were jamming with the band.

At one point, the cameraman for "Tell Me Baby" said, "I expected these sad losers and dreamers, but all these kids were really great." And the whole video kind of acknowledged that everyone starts somewhere and comes here with a dream, and just because they're an unknown on an audition, it doesn't mean they're not great. And believe me, these folks were great.

The Music Doc Series is my favorite thing ever (the two best things in the world together), and it's by far the best thing that the AFI has ever done (including educating me). N6 and I have gone a few times over the years, and every time I came out smiling and happy and loving the Rawk even more.

Free. Tibet.

2008-04-10T08:17:00.001-07:00

Chocolate and Cheese

2008-04-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

It's what's for dinner. At least it was last night. (And wine.)

When you're a grown-up, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want. I remember plenty of times as a kid, looking forward to the day when I could do just that. (These fantasies often included eating an entire pound of bacon by myself.) But now that I'm an adult, I sometimes forget to.

And, truly good chocolate is cheeep compared to other luxuries. (Just not compared to Hershey's.) So have whatever you want for dinner tonight.

I Dream of Barack

2008-04-07T12:48:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed that Barack Obama and I were hanging out with a security guard in a building in DC. He leaned in and whispered to me that he had been in love with me ever since in grade school, and then he started singing Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You". He sang really quiet, because he didn't want anyone to hear. Because of Michelle, you know.

Hey, I'm not the only one. Check out I Dream of Barack. Cause dreamin' is fo' free.

(And thank god I Don't Dream of Hillary. Or McCain.)

The One Thing That's Been Missing

2008-04-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

I've lived in LA for a while now, and I consider myself lucky because I feel like I have it all. But there's been one thing that's been missing, that I start to yearn for every year around this time:

A friend with a pool.

Face it: When it gets really hot in the summer, you don't always want to hike all the way out to the beach and deal with the waves. You just want to jump into a clear cold refreshing pool, then lay in the sun with a beverage. Fo' free.

I figured that sooner or later one of my friends would get a pool, and as it always happens in LA, it never rains but it pours. Not only did the lovely Alex get a condo with a giant one (and a hot tub) in South Pas, but Shaun and G.U.S. and T-Love just moved into a place with a pool over in Santa Monica. Now, no matter where I find myself, I'm never more than 15 minutes and an invitation away from everything I ever needed.

Whorange: The Color Of Craving

2008-04-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

Now, we all know that The Dirt Alert is dope, but guess what? There's another sick-ass blog out there, and I'm addicted. It's Miss Tulita's cheeky little Whorange, and it's all about design and decoration and desire. As in: You desire to buy everything that she highlights on her pages. Basically, it's like living inside her head, and let me tell you, I'm just one in a long line of people who would like to do that. She's funny, she's dope, she's sassy, and she's got better gear than you and I ever will. And, at least reading about this stuff is fo' free.

So if you need advice on how to turn your Ikea into I-candy, or you think there's nothing sexier than a squirrel in a suit, go whorange yourself out. Who knows, it may become your new favorite color.

Duudes.

2008-04-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

Last night I was throwing back Cracker Jacks and beer with Craig and three of his buddies at Dodgers Stadium (again), when it hit me how much I like dudes. I don't mean like that; I mean like how much I appreciate all my platonic guy friends.

Guys are dope for:

- Shooting the shit
- Not talking, except about pitching stats
- Putting together bed frames
- Going to art openings with you
- Teaching you to surf
- Scratching
- Getting a guy's perspective on that loser you're dating
- Drinking beer with
- And then making sure you get home safe.

Don't get me wrong, I love my girls and they all know it. But man, guys are good. And, as they will be the first to admit, they are definitely cheep and fo' free.

Panties On, Dance Off

2008-03-31T16:44:00.000-07:00

I gotta give a shout-out to Daily Candy, who alerted me to the Jockey Underwars. You can win $25K for dancing around in your panties, which you do fo' free all the time anyway. There's a whole tournament, and you can even challenge a friend to go head-to-head.

So who's ready to bring it on?

Sox Spring Fever

2008-03-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

I thought I would be lucky to get one person (Craig) to go with me, but a bunch of people rallied to go see MY BOYS THE WORLD SERIES WINNING RED SOX play the LA Dodgers in a pre-season showdown in my very own local ball park.

Now, this was a treat that could not be passed up, but ladies and gentlemen, I warn you, it was not cheeep and it was nowhere near free. But somehow when you get to watch Varitek and Big Papi and Manny AKA Sideshow Bob play ball in the very first game of the (pre-) season, you don't care that you're shelling out $11 bux for a Bud Light, $7 for a questionable hot dog, and $12 for a weird Cuervo margarita thingy that comes in its own plastique shaker.

The tickets themselves were $22 bux for not-good-seats, but that didn't matter so much, cause we never sat in 'em: We went straight down to the empty seats in the better section, and when I went down to the first row to watch a couple of plays, I had a spectacular view of the guy who got popped in the head with a foul ball. (There was blood.)

A baseball stadium is one of the last few truly democratic spaces in America. (I just threw that in to make it sound more important than "a place where you drink beer and talk shit." And, oh yeah, watch baseball.) Maybe you don't wanna go every day, but at least try to make it to one game.

Kudos to: Alex for knowing the sneaky back way in, Tue for his badass spontaneity, The Real Janelle for finding the fast hot-dog line, Val for spearheading the margarita drive, Craig for being the first to sign up, and G-Reg for his stunning garlic breath.